Computer Dependency: Is There Hope?

Like many people around the globe, I have a lot of time and thought dedicated to activities surrounding my computer. I have multiple email accounts to check, music to download and arrange into neat little folders, news to catch up on, subjects to research on Google and other sites, online stores to browse, and many other time-consuming miscellaneous activities such as watching TV through my cable connection, downloading photos from my digital camera, browsing through thousands of videos on YouTube as well as creating, editing, and uploading videos of my own.

There are brief moments of clarity in my cluttered schedule when I realize that I have no more clean laundry because I haven’t taken out the time to put it in the washing machine, and that there are no more spoons to stir my cappuccino with because they are all dirty in the sink, waiting to be put in the dishwasher with most of the other eating utensils. I realize occasionally that I have to clear junk mail and other clutter off both the couch and the coffee table just to be able to sit and eat supper every day, and that I can’t seem to be able to put anything on a counter without something else being knocked to the floor. The irony is that I often find myself wishing that I had more “time” to do basic chores around the house, knowing all too well that I have deliberately created a “busy” schedule with my computer activities that shuts out and postpones the real-world responsibilities beyond my office.

The crunch came a couple weeks ago when my 3-year-old Mac OS X G5 suddenly seized and collapsed over the weekend, and I found myself in a terrible void of panic and remorse. Like an addict in desperate need of a fix, I tried in vain to bring my main source of escape back to life: booting and re-booting, running diagnostics, shutting down and starting up in every mode available, all to no avail. I could almost feel the grip of all the abandoned chores in the house close in on me as I stared down at my fallen electronic comrade on my office floor, and I realized at length that my road to fantasy was going to have to be closed for repairs.

The symptoms of withdrawal for the following week were so pitifully profound that I really had to examine what I thought I was accomplishing by gluing my eyes so intently to my computer screen whenever possible as though I were on the verge of discovering the meaning of life 7 days a week. It was incredible the way I would catch myself wandering into my computer room automatically after waking up, after meals, after small “necessary” chores like paying bills or going to the grocery store, and even after trips to the washroom. It was obsession for its own sake, fueled by a deep need to feel as though I were accomplishing something greater than simply getting through the daily drudgery of life.

Even though I pined for my computer every couple hours, other activities began to reemerge into my new schedule: Bills were getting paid on time, floors were getting vacuumed, swept, and mopped, laundry was getting washed by the basketful, and even the walls and ceilings of the house were sponged down. All the chores that I was trying NOT to have the time for suddenly became my only diversion…and I must admit I felt better about it in the long run. It made me step back a moment and think about what I have been so desperately seeking on my computer that has made the rest of the world around me only secondary in importance. What force is there in my life that makes me feel like escaping every chance I get? Is it influenced by a culture that promises that we can “have it all” no matter what our other obligations are? Is it influenced by tantalizing suggestions of fast success doing the things that I enjoy for hobbies as though it were a career…as long as I keep at it? Or is it the ability to switch off and switch on my involvement with the world with the click of a mouse?

In time, my computer will be either repaired or replaced and I will once again have the opportunity to slip back into “cyber-land” freely and anonymously, leaving the real world outside my office door. I’ve had the chance, though, to see how much more I actually accomplish AWAY from my computer, where the mental exhaustion of chasing dreams and fantasies is replaced by sore muscles with results that I can SEE and TOUCH. That is the balance that has been missing for so long, and that is the place where I need to start looking for the answers that will finally make the differences that I’ve been waiting for.