Food Addiction 2

It truly is sad that a person has to feel this way, the shadow that hides our true feelings, covers our terrible truths hidden from the world outside but only understood by the “inside people” of food addiction. Even as children we feel the need to hide this side of us. How many people hide food so “the others” won’t know our terrible secret, that we must eat food, the more the better. Yet we must hide this driving need, no one, will understand why we have to have such a great quantity of food in our lives. We the people enveloped in this need, don’t understand why, so how can the “outsiders” the thin or average sized person understand it?

All I know is, that the drive to eat exists and we must, feed that need, I should say I needed to feed it. I can only speak for my journey in this life of food addiction. To say it has been a living hell is a small part of it. Who in this society wants to be the butt of mean jokes? Who wants to go to a mall and be the center of attention?  The freak? The side show for all the “normal” people. Human nature, as far as fat people see it, again from my point of view, is a sick double standard. Feed the poor starving people in foreign countries yet look at that fat slob, gluttony is a sin after all, right?

We know that people, that’s why we hide. Hide food, hide feeling, and hide ourselves. We don’t want other people to see our defects, our warts, our inner selves, the hurt child, the misfit, the one that no matter how hard they try doesn’t fit in.

Diet. I was on a never ending diet since the age of 5. Who hasn’t been? Ask any fatty, and they can list them all, and a few you haven’t heard of. Children in the second grade don’t weigh 80 or 90 or 100 pounds, but you did, I did. Any fat person has stories. Hurt feelings? Most people have had them. But, every day of your life? Ask any fat kid, “how was your day?” and if they don’t start crying, then they may be lying. So food was just another excuse, to hide.

Every addict that ever existed tries to hide the reality of their addiction from society. Especially from loved ones that expect us to be a model to others.

Yet, they hide their “problems” from everyone else too. The true food addict will at some point and time be unable to hide their addiction with makeup or excuses, “ got a cold, so my nose runs a lot” or long sleeves to hide tracks on their arms. We SHOW our addiction, bigger pants, shirts, dresses, skirts. Oh yeah, we think we can hide our bodies expansion, maybe for 15-30 pounds. But after you start shopping in the big and tall section or the stout Shoppe’s the secret is pretty much out.  So don’t kid yourself, yes you look fat in that outfit, because you are fat in ANY outfit. You may look very nice but you also look fat. A hard, hard thing to deal with, because everybody see’s you as you are, not as you wish you were. Addiction does not listen to wishes or prayers “ please god let me be thin when I wake up tomorrow”.

 If only, the most used thought in the universe. If only, I could walk more. If only. That saying is what kills food addicts. We are real people who don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to wear a size 54 in jeans. I want to wear a “Normal” size in jeans, but I don’t even know what a normal size is, I’ve always worn extra, extra large, extra, extra large, 2x  or 3x or bigger or what ever clothes makers decide to call fat clothes.

Society says we should be proud of who and what we are. Yet go into some big size stores and they have a size 66 or bigger pair of jeans strung up over the sales floor like some giant tent from a tent manufacturer. Who knows how many yards of fabric it took to make this hideous show to the world. But hey, don’t feel bad about ourselves. How much more cruelty can society reek on us?

The happy fat person? I don’t think so. I don’t think there is anyone in the world that wants to be singled out for a defect, seen or not. Shame in your defect, your weaknesses, your self loathing should be enough, but no, it never seems to be, to that segment of society that must punish us for who and what we are.

FOOD ADDITCTS, pure and simple. Help the heron addict, but criticize the fat guy next to you at work. Be sure to make him the butt of the next joke that ought to help his weight soar huh? Understanding, should be the key, in most misunderstood things. However, it works for a lot of things, just not this one.

I suppose it must be the same feelings for the gambler, or drinker, or smoker. But how can you stop eating? Food is life. Food supports the body for energy, thinking and feeling. No food, no life. That is what drives most people to drastic means to fit in. they will tell you it is for health reasons, etc. that is what I truly thought as well. But look at the under laying thinks that we don’t even thing about or bring to the surface. Your whole life’s experiences. All the good and the bad. Every smash that society has hit you with, all the quiet pain thrust upon you from childhood, the parties you never got to go to because you were fat, didn’t need cake, god knows. All the games in school, that you were never picked for, “fat kids can’t run, ya know”. Last, you were picked last every time. And if you weren’t, last, it was a miracle.

Food addiction:  How many lives has it ruined? How many suicides because of shame? Because of hurt and self loathing? Depression, anger, self pity? That, is the reality of food addiction.

Now we are in the age of bariatric surgery. Works for some but not for others. Why is that? No self control? I doubt that. Pain. And let me be clear, there is a great deal of pain from this surgery. And it goes on for some time. Not to mention the complications that can and do happen. Don’t kid yourself, you maybe one of the people that gets complications. Most of the “waiting room conversations” while I wait, is about all the problems other people have had since the surgery. I have had quite a few myself. Incisions, also called “stab wounds” by the staff in the office, have not healed yet at the 6 week mark. Yellow, thick matter and blood, called “body fluids” continue to drain as I write this. Not really an infection, because of no smell, just pain and disgust at not knowing this could happen. Of course, no one ever went into grim details or I may have decided against the surgery. No CA-ching –CA-ching.

The industry, and that is exactly what it is, an industry, doesn’t want fresh cash walking out the door.  Vague terms, ”minor complications” “discomfort” blah, blah, blah. Discomfort? Try pain, as in doing heart surgery with out, repeat, WITH OUT anesthesia. Pain killers given at the hospital that did not work for the first 48 hours, but, “gee maybe we should try something else?’’ Yeah, ya think so?? All this and I think I’m still a food addict.