Overcoming Addiction

The End of the Line

There I was, sitting on the Red Line at 4:00 am in January and out of drugs. The rank smell of beer permeated the air. But, I was too miserable to notice.

“I blew everything I had on that God-forsaken stuff,” the thought settled in and smothered me with dejection. “Another vicious trap I created for myself. What do I do now; gnaw my foot off to get out? I can’t even afford a rat-infested hotel. I have nothing left in me.”

I neared the end of the Red Line; I knew that I would have to board the train going the other way. This was the only way that I could stay warm and get any sleep. I had reached the end of the line no matter how I looked at it.

I heard this faint whisper and it wasn’t from the drugs. “What’s it going to be Joseph; Life or Death? You chose me and I chose you. My arms are still reaching out.” What was I going to do? I had been to treatment and I thought I had done all the right things. I thought I was following God.

I started working in a restaurant again and that was when it all fell apart. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to put myself in a situation where I could drink. Yet, in my pride, I chose to take the job anyway. That’s where the problem lay. There is no “I” in ”Jesus.” Was I going to relapse repeatedly just to fade into statistical anonymity?

A few days later, God gave me the courage and humility to call my grandparents and my mother. We worked something out to where I could stay with them for a few months. I was finally turning my life around. I had saved enough money to get my own place. A year and a half later, I started attending Bethel College. I was fortunate.

The Steps of Reality

What is it that changed? What steps have I taken in order to move forward? When I was in jail, I realized that I needed help. This is the first step in any struggle. We have to understand that we cannot do anything on our own. If we think that we can then we are only fooling ourselves. I didn’t know where to turn or who to turn to but I did know that I needed more help than I could ever provide for myself. I found a place that would take people with no home or money in the heart of Greek town in Chicago. I learned about twelve-step programs and the physiological issues that come up in withdrawal.

Even after this, I chose to start the vicious cycle of addiction again. It is true that my grandparents helped me out but that wasn’t what saved me. I still had not found a substantial twelve-step program that wouldn’t get offended at the name of Jesus. I’m sure there are some out there. I just couldn’t find one in my area, until I discovered Celebrate Recovery.

I have stumbled on the way. But, the difference is that I get back up and I don’t quit. The first step in any struggle is recognizing the struggle. I did that when I was in jail. It took me more time to come to the realization that I could not do this on my own. Whenever I think that I can do this on my own, pride rears it’s ugly head and I travel down the same old road, seeing my old self at every turn. How did I come to this point?

Hands Off

In jail, I recognized that I had a problem and saw that I needed help. However, I didn’t actually accept it. The breaking point for me occurred in a train, on a cold dark morning when I looked around and saw that there was no one around. It was when my family and friends decided that they could not help me in any way. I was living with my father at the time and he actually saved my life. By doing the hardest thing that any father or mother could do, he saved my life. He kicked me out. He could not help me until he came to this difficult realization on his own. I still had a long way to go. I made foolish mistakes. I thought that I could handle things that I could not handle. Yet, no one was willing to hold my hand anymore. By not participating with me in my attempt at a slow suicide, they saved my life. Later, there was mercy provided. But this had only occurred after I had played the part of the prodigal son, lying in my own dirty dwelling.

Many friends and family members who suffer due to a loved one’s addiction try to help by providing them with financial help or a place to live. Often, they even make excuses for the loved one, which, in turn, aids their false belief that none of this is their fault. This is not Love. This is codependency. Codependency is just as deadly as addiction. Often codependents think that they are helping when they are really aiding in the addiction of their loved one. At times, they help their addicted loved one to the point of death. Letting go is the most difficult and the most loving action that family and friends can do for an addict or alcoholic.

The Physiology

Something that I have studied is the physical and emotional effect of withdrawal. One of the most accessible books for the average person is Addiction and Grace by Gerald G. May. The physiological problems that come from practicing addiction are very important for understanding the mind of an addict. There are cells in the brain called neurons that work together as little colonies in order for us to breathe, eat, and sleep. These neurons provide virtually every vital function for our bodies.

In order for these nerve cells to work together, they need to communicate. It is much like electricity travels through a current. Connections called synapses are on each cell in the brain. There are approximately 20,000 of these connections for the average cell and some even have up to 200,000 connections. Communication takes place when the axon of one cell releases a chemical called a neurotransmitter.

These neurotransmitters get confused when we change our physiology chemically. For example, when someone drinks or does drugs, certain neurotransmitters fire more or less rapidly in order to make up for the chemical change in our bodies. If we continue to change our physiology chemically, certain neurotransmitters get into a “habit” of firing or not firing in order to balance the imbalance that we have created. Therefore, when we practice chemical addiction, we change our physiological make up. It takes practice and time to correct an imbalance that we have created.

The New Line

I have discovered a number of things that have helped me in my battle with addiction. I make an extreme effort to avoid anywhere that may cause temptation. I have phone numbers with me at all times. This way, if I am tempted in any way, I have someone to call who has dealt with the same struggle. I have true friends who will hold me accountable if they observe any behavior that is leading to past practices that have no part in the Kingdom. I attend meetings. I constantly step back and ask myself what my motives are for whatever I am doing. I serve others. I practice the healthy habits that replace much of the time that I used to use searching for the next high.

So, what did change? Was it the way I started to live my life? Did God pull me out of where I was? I didn’t see a bright light and suddenly, my life was changed. The Love of the Lord was visible and tangible for the first time in my life. It showed through my grandparents, my mother and through people at Celebrate Recovery (a Christ-centered 12 step program). It was real Love. It was a Love that doesn’t put up with lies and deceit. It was Love that demanded honesty and would not stand for living in the past. It was sacrifice. It was telling me that I would have no place if I kept doing the things that I was doing. I would once again have no place to live and I would probably die. It was a Love that had the courage to say, “We can’t stand by and watch you kill yourself, so if you want to continue on that path, you will have to do it alone.” It was the Love of the Lord. It was the Love that still has His arms out today. When I reached the end of the line, I found a new direction. I found a new purpose for my life. I can’t answer everything for addicts or for those loved ones who suffer with them. I can, however, tell you all that I am here. I can tell you that Christ is here.