Tales of my internal conflicts.
It was 5:30 when I got out of the office when suddenly, I had the urge of sipping a cigarette. Just one stick will do, but I’ve already promised myself and my family to never smoke again. It’s been 5 month since I’ve quit, I think I’m doing good so far, but now was different. I felt like drowning from water, longing for an air. A part of me was about to be toppled, I was on my way to town center when I saw a store nearby. The taste of the crisp smoke of Marlboro Lights lingered in my head. I haven’t thought that living clean was this tough. I was about to turn left when I thought of not having a girlfriend yet.
How the hell does smoking related to that? Weird isn’t it?
Then I thought of the hard work I’ve done to improve my personality. I eat healthy diet, exercise regularly and quited smoking ’cause its bad for the skin. It does work as people are starting to look at me, including girls. Unfortunately, I still can’t get myself a girl. I didn’t know why, it’s just that I can’t see the girls as potential girlfriends or maybe, I still can’t get over with my past relationship. It’s not that I still want to get back with her, I’m not planning of doing that again. It was myself that is having a problem to be back on track. My heart is still not ready.
It’s been 3 months already since I broke up with the most intimate girlfriend I had so far in my 23 years of existence. I was hurt in the process, why won’t I, I’ve already thought of spending the rest of my life with her. I didn’t cry though, I’m tired of being too emotional of these and I think the pain that my heart endured in the past years have made me stubborn.
I sit on a park bench in the Town center as I munched my burger with gusto. Protein is way better than nicotine, I’d say. Yes I was able to resist it. The different hunger was still there but a little bit weaker.
When I finished eating, I drop by my old friend Nickoy, he invited me to go to their dance practice. He was a member of Street Crew, the dance troupe in our town. Then he told me about this talent search that they are trying to get in named Magic Idol. That didn’t bother me at all up until I thought about me in my high school years. I was always the rep of the class when it comes to singing contest, there goes the two piece of myself again trying to debate, one was saying that it’s been a long time and I’ve gone rusty already, the other is telling me that it’s a great opportunity; “Think again, you still have it in you, don’t you think it’s a chance to meet new people, mingle with them, especially with the girls.”
There is a battle within me when Nick tapped me in the back asking: “Want a smoke?”
*to be cont…