Get It Up or Give It Up: Senior Sex Dilemmas

Sex at any age is great, but for many folks the ability to perform declines with age.  The decline can be precipitous or come about slowly, but it hurts both men and women who like to see themselves as functioning lovers forever.  No one talks about the feelings involved when this happens because sex is often not discussed in senior years, as if it were only for the young.  Doctors stare at their charts, nod and smile, and move along, with a non verbal message that communicates, “so what’s the worry, grandpa.”

But grandpa worries when he slows down some, and he worries particularly if that means his libido.  Does he talk about it with Sadie, the wife?  Or does he forget about it and dream of his youth?  Pills are available, but for some men don’t work.  When they don’t, how do men feel?  Many feel like failures, no matter any talk to the contrary.  So what to do?

Here are some suggestions:

1. Grandma:  Loosen up and get grandpa to talk.  Let him know that he is lusty and charming and loving.  Give him backrubs and sweet talk, music and kindness.  Knowing you’re loved can go a long way in feeling better, when you feel you’re losing it.  That also might help in turning things around, if they can be.
2. Ask the doctor about options, physical, mental and medical.  The pills that didn’t work might not be the only option.  Mental conditioning may help or special exercises.  If that doesn’t work, perhaps the doctor can talk to grandpa about ways of pleasuring himself and grandma that maybe neither has discussed because they didn’t need to until now.
3. Don’t think grandpa doesn’t care; he does.  Make sure that he has the respect for feelings about something men care very much about.  Don’t talk about the private matters idly; these are serious to a man.  If he’s angry or frustrated, consider these feelings as natural responses to loss; and don’t exacerbate hurt by insults or disregarding something that is very important.
4. Plan activities that provide grandpa with exercise, fun and success.  If he likes to swim, fish, hunt, or play ball, give him an opportunity to succeed at whatever he does and applaud it.
5. Lighten up and look at love as many-sided and help him see that too.  Sometimes it just takes a little nudging, gently and kindly, for someone to understand that when one function, pleasure or asset ends, there are others that can be strengthened or enhanced to replace it.  Sex is a great part of life, but it’s not the only part.  Love has many sides to it and becomes stronger with understanding and grace.  Give grandpa grace and love because he needs it now and will move on to accepting the transitions some just make when he realizes he is still that whole, wonderful and romantic man he was, just not perhaps in quite the same way.  What you lose, you gain in other ways.