Alternative Therapies: No Way!

Not so long ago, in a job application, I came upon the infuriating question: Name of your family doctor?

Why was this infuriating? Because in addition to trends, I also hate assumptions and there are a couple here that I will have to dispense with before we can start slashing and tearing at today’s topic.

Who the hell saysI have a family doctor? Who the hell says I have to be sick, and who says a doctor would be my first call if I were?

I do not have a family doctor and only visit a doctor when something is bent, swollen, falling off, pointing the wrong way or not working the way it had last week. I have a similar attitude towards dentists and only visit one when it hurts.

As a matter of record I have taken more sick leave in 30 years of working due to toothache than for any other reason. Yet they did not ask for my dentist’s number on the application. Nor did they ask for the number of my naturopath – and there are good reasons for this.

“Quick. I think Harry is having a heart attack! He is turning grey. He can’t breath! Call an ambulance and get his personnel file and call his family doctor. Hurry!”

“Oh, for goodness sake, call his naturopath. He probably just needs a few drops of Grasshopper Semen Extract.”

“Sorry, you must be right.”

The reflexologist.

“Quick, he has no pulse! Start CPR!”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Rub his feet while we wait for his reflexologist.”

“Of course.”

We could easily add to these extreme examples; acupuncture, homeopathy, reiki… but all we would be doing is wasting time. At this point it is reasonable to suggest that I have offered a good argument that alternative therapies have no place in emergency medicine, and in all fairness, most of its practitioners would say it was never intended for that purpose anyway.

So, what is it intended for, or more to the point, what can it do?

The Grand-daddy of all the alternative therapies is vaguely named Chinese Medicine. This is the one that they all aspire to. What does it do. Basically nothing. People contemplating using Chinese therapies need only look to their success in China; according to UNICEF (the ones who are there picking up the pieces) the infant mortality rate (under 1) was 23 in 2005. In 1990 this figure was 38. Has it come down so dramatically due to Chinese Alternative Therapies? The same ones that have been reputedly practiced without success for thousands of years?

Or could the increasing influence of the West into China be making this crucial difference?

The answer is a no-brainer.

And this is their founding father. Apart from a few crackpots in the West that have developed their own variants, all of which share the element of failure, these guys are supposedly the best in the business!

But get this; these guys have the audacity to rubbish western medicine. They are the first to say things like “Our therapies are booming because people are disenchanted with western medicine,” and the shining, “Correctly administered drugs are a leading cause of death in western society.”

A leading cause of life in China, Dumbo.

Some western medical practices are okay though; if I take my car to a mechanic and it still breaks down after he has fixed it, I can bring it back and he will fix it free the second time. After all, the repair has already been paid for. Not so with western medicine. If I am still ill after my visit I will be charged again and again for each subsequent consultation. This is a rip-off.

Alternative Therapies people think this practice is okay too. According to the eMJA – Medical Journal of Australia – an estimated $2.3 billion was spent on Complimentary and Alternative Medicines in Australia in 2000. The figure is expanding rapidly. Apparently the Alternative Therapies folk have no problems with this either.

Interesting name, Complementary Medicine. When a patient fails to get well, or even dies, they can say, “Well, it is only Complimentary Medicine.”

Complimentary to what? Complimentary to a western treatment if there is going to be a legal action. Complimentary to iridology or some other rubbish if the patient happens to get well. When was the last time you heard of a naturopath in court for incorrectly prescribing or for swapping a product that won’t help you for another that won’t help you?

Then there was that Pan Pharmaceuticals thing wasn’t there. I would suggest readers Google it; some very interesting reading out there.

Another irk is the seemingly inability these witch-doctors have in admitting the limitations of their therapies. I came across an acupuncturist claiming to be able to treat cancer! Naturally there is the disclaimer: Except cancers that will not respond to therapy.

Okay…. So they can treat all the cancers that will respond to therapy.

How long, then, will society continue to tolerate these snake-oil peddlers? Sadly, I don’t hold high hopes of a speedy recovery of the senses. As long as there are gullible people prepared to shell out their money there will be a P.T. Barnum prepared to take it. People are still subscribing to fortune teller hot lines and paying palm-readers (both in the same class of fraudsters), so don’t hold your breath.

Actually, soothsayers have a longer history and considerably more ethicality although they still rate a zero in the credibility stakes. I would make them fodder for my pen but I would just be repeating myself.

Finally, if these therapies have been practiced for thousands of years then where is the attendant product development? Why are these products still being marketed as Traditional? Enough! These charlatans have had ample time to prove their uselessness.

Time to move on. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt on the thousands of years for the claim itself is incriminating.

Fancy packaging and trendy marketing strategies amount to nothing if the product is worthless to begin with.