Insomnia Log/journal #3

Who I wanna be…

Years ago I tried to learn how to meditate, uhhh it kind of looked cool, but I just gave up. The first lesson involved me imagining myself in some place I liked, that I got into after opening a door. 2 nights ago I tried doing that again when I laid down,and I found myself in an apartment. A livingroom with couches and table, I was sitting on a couch, and the opposite couch in front of me, was another “me”, he looked cool, he told me that he was the responsible voice in my head, he had a leather jacket and a bottle of what he called “dream juice”. He told me that he was who I wanted to be, the cool guy that deals with whatever stands in his way. We just talked and he kept drinkin his dream juice.

This guy might be here to help me, maybe hes not, maybes hes a demon sent by his master to make me more miserable, or maybe im just paranoid as well as an insomniac. Though I listened to him talk, I felt my mouth move, as if I were him, as if I was the guy I wanted to be. Honestly I do wanna be like this guy. Its just I don’t wanna talk to strangers, even if the stranger is an imaginary friend lurking inside my head. I can imagine him right now sipping his dream juice, waiting for me to stare at the ceiling of my couch, and then watch me go through the hallway into his apartment, in my head.

Its easier to just talk with him in the apartment, if I think about talking I think less about other things, other serious things. I’m not sure if it helps me fall asleep, but still, it feels nice.

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