Look at Me

A monologue on what it takes to get through the day with Chronic Illness!

When you look at me what do you see ? 

Its a question ive often wanted to ask ppl often. What DO ppl see when they look at me, I know what they dont see. I know what they cant see, What they cant feel, What they will never feel unless they were me. 

So here is a Look at me. 

I open my eyes, the nights sleep is over for now, I throw my legs over the bed this should be interesting. First morning movements always bring a different journey, Will i be able to get up and out of bed like i was able to do in youthful days gone by ? Or Will it be the hobled old broken down woman who has taken up residence in my body ? I never Know till i take those first steps. Most Days are met with knees that gave up long ago, Muscles that never rested the night before and are raging the battle about it at the very moment i move, a new development… a knife like pain in my left outer heel I would take the time to ponder what the ?? But i dont have time, the day has begun its time to move forward, I hear the kids are awake! I hobble out of my room, down the hall , halfway through the hallway I stop to check my face, Is it Twisted in cruel anticipation of each step and what torture those will bring or has it switched gears, and ready to chirp out GOOD MORNING to the three lovely Boys who will no doubt be waiting to greet me eagerly ? Ok … Your right the TWO lovely Boys, ( one ogerish teenager will no doubt  still be  fast asleep in his den! )

I start the descent down the stairs gripping the railing like im holding on for dear life, You see those knees, well they dont like stairs especially first thing in the morning, I see them , awaiting mommys eager GOOD MORNING BOYS! they dont know it yet but its what brightens each morning, they will know one day just what that meant to me. Being they are older now they have already slopped some breakfast slop in their bowls and covered it with milk. Full bellies Rounded and ready for the day they each greet me with a kiss and a hug! My middle son ever so empathetic says: ” How are you today, Mom ?” I usually reply with oh you know im sore… or ok … There is little point in lying anymore Ive tried to hide my chronic illnesses from them for years, but as ive said they are older now they know .. Besides I want them to know because where others may see a hypochondriac drug addict My Three Shining gems will see a mother who is not always infallible, who falls down, who hurts but has to pick herself up and brush herself off. 

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