Loving Someone With a Bipolar Disorder

Loving someone with a bipolar condition is not always easy. Don’t misunderstand – I love my husband very much. He is my world and I wouldn’t want to be without him – most of the time! Let me tell you about him.

My husband is a Welshman, in his mid-to-late fifties. Everyone who meets him sees a kind, gentle and sensitive man. This is true; this is what he is – most of the time! He has suffered from depression during some difficult periods in his life and has been treated with antidepressants and anxiolytics (for anxiety), but was never diagnosed as bipolar until about three years ago. At that time he was prescribed lithium to help stabilise his moods. Unfortunately this stabilised him a bit too much; all he wanted to do was sleep, and sometimes read. He was completely unable to work and his work as an artist is one of the most important things in his life; it is a major part of who he is.

New Medication

We did some research on other available mood stabilising drugs, and talked to other bipolar sufferers, after which John returned to his psychiatrist and requested that his medication be changed. The psychiatrist took a little persuading, but Depakote is now my husband’s medication. This suits him much better and he has been able to return to his shed to make wonderful creations out of wood; he turns wood, he carves wood and he makes unusual ‘art’ furniture and he paints watercolours, all of which he sells wherever he can.

Our Story

John and I first met in the early 80s when he was married to my friend. I liked him and thought what a lovely man he was. It wasn’t until the early 90s, after the break-up of his marriage, that we started to see more of one another. We have been together for about twelve years, ten of those under the same roof, and we are still very happy together – most of the time!

Naturally, knowing him for about ten years as a friend, I saw John suffer with depression and saw the effects it had on him and his then wife and his sons. It was only when we lived together that I saw the other side of his illness.

Correct Treatment for Manic Depression

One of the worst things, it seems, that can happen with a person suffering from manic depression (and of course at this stage we did not know that this is what he had) is for only one set of symptoms to be treated. If someone mostly displays manic episodes they should not just be treated with antipsychotic drugs, but with mood stabilisers also. Likewise, someone who mostly displays symptoms of depression should be given mood stabilising drugs, as well as antidepressants. Unfortunately, most people who suffer with a bipolar condition seem to display mostly one set of symptoms at the onset of the illness, and that is the side that is treated. John had only ever been treated for his depression; presumably his ‘high’ spells were copable with or just passed off as John being a bit hyperactive.

Breakdown

About twelve years ago he had a massive breakdown and tried to end his life; he couldn’t see any way to go on. After his breakdown, my husband, once he was somewhat recovered, began having more manic episodes. These were not in any way as bad as many episodes I’ve heard of, but in John they seemed so dreadful because of the difference from his usual gentle, sensitive personality.

Mania and its effects

The first time this happened I wondered whatever was going on. His younger son, who was about eleven at the time, wanted a new pair of trainers. His mum wasn’t working and couldn’t afford them. The boys were staying with us for the weekend and so on the Saturday morning Joe and I went into the local town and came home with a bargain pair of trainers. What that really means is that I gave Joe £30 to buy his trainers, after going into two shops with him and having an argument with him because he wanted trainers that cost £80 which I refused to pay. We agreed to meet in the café. Joe returned triumphant, and with £2 change, which I let him keep. On our return naturally Joe wanted his Dad to see his new trainers. That was when the trouble began.

John hates trainers, but the boys already wore them so I wasn’t really aware of this. We had a ‘discussion’, the result of which was Joe stamping out of the house in a temper, John ‘going off on one’, and me in tears. By the end of the weekend and numerous further ‘discussions’ – all about trainers – John was convinced that I was in cahoots with his ex-wife to buy Joe some trainers just to upset him. As Joe would have said, ‘As if!’

First argument

Now that doesn’t sound too bad, does it? But it didn’t make any sense. I didn’t know what his problem really was, and half the time I couldn’t actually understand what he was talking about. Now I know that we all say this sometimes, that we don’t know what someone is talking about. But I really didn’t understand how he was getting from one point to the next, and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t.

It was also the first time we’d argued. He took the boys back to their mother’s house by himself on Sunday evening – I just didn’t want to be in the same space as him. We had an almost-silent few days. Then for some reason on the Thursday he seemed to ‘come to his senses’. We talked about what had happened, but the strange thing to me was that he didn’t seem to remember half of what he had said. Fortunately he accepted that what I was saying was true and he apologised. Things got back to normal gradually, except that I had trouble forgetting, or forgiving, some of the things he had said, and he had said some very unpleasant things.

Coded Messages

Over the years we’ve come to a sort of agreement. I pointed out that if, when he was going high, I was to say so, he would disagree and argue. I would get upset and we would get nowhere. He agreed. When John is ‘going high’ he gets what I call aggressive and he maintains is assertive! I told him he was like Attila the Hun – obviously I didn’t say this when he was high! So we now have a sort of coded message. Attila, of course, was a horseman, so when John is getting a little ‘assertive’ I tell him I can hear horses outside. Usually he goes outside and I hear all kinds of noises – horses’ hooves, neighing, John shouting at the horses – and then he comes back inside and he tells me how many horses there were, but then he assures me that he’s seen them off and they won’t be back. After this John seems to calm down somewhat and take a little more care with what he says. He may also then adjust his medication and usually the crisis passes.

Love but not Like

Sometimes it doesn’t work and we have a difficult few days. If this happens it usually takes me longer than John to get over it, because I just don’t like the person he seems to turn into and I find it very difficult to cope with the things he says. Even though I don’t like him at these times I still love him.

My husband has been on a self-management course with other bipolar sufferers and is learning to understand the things that trigger his changes of mood. He talks about his feelings with me; the way he feels when a manic phase is upon him and the place his feelings take him when he is depressed. John’s illness has put pressure on our relationship over the years, but the bond we have between us and the fact that we talk all the time when he’s in ‘normal’ health help enormously. We now have a much stronger relationship than we did previously and we know that with love and understanding we can deal with the complications his condition brings.