Pain

I kept repeating this to myself the other day. Not that I believe this. Or, rather, not that I want to believe this.

I try to be optimistic about life and it’s ups and downs. Not always successful, but I try.

This quote feels pessimistic. But there it was, repeating in my brain.

I consider myself lucky and pretty healthy. I have a great wife, a great family, a great home. I am not sickly, and the health problems I am faced with aren’t life-threatening or horrible. But yes, there is pain.

I really cannot remember a time, for years now, when I haven’t dealt with pain on some level. The worst I suppose would be the times before these recent surgeries, when my hip would pop out or my knee would lock up. Or after the knee replacement. Not a good time.

Now, two replacement surgeries out, I am better. Well, better in some respects. Other body parts seem to be taking their turns. My left hip, the “real” one, is making it’s displeasure evident more and more. By this, I mean that I can feel it leaning forward more when I walk, and I feel it pop or grind when I stand quick or bend over. These things all involve pain, on one level or another.

My right foot has begun something new, to me at least. Starting back around August, what I thought was my heel started to get painful after walking, or after sitting and then standing and walking. The more I read on this, the more I wonder if it is fallen arches. Not sure, and the doctor wasn’t very informative, just saying that more exams would need to be done, probably with a doctor more specialized in feet.

Now, I feel I am complaining and whining. I try my damnedest to not do that. Sometimes, maybe to my detriment. But, after dealing with these issues my whole life, dealing with pain my whole life, I find I don’t want it to define me, even though it tries very hard to be the always-present annoyance of my life.

I have pain, and I am used to it. I know that may sound weird. How can one become “used to” pain? When it is present every day, I suppose you have to find some way to deal with it. Process it. Make it through the day. Some people whine, some people ignore it, some drown it out, one way or another.

I just accept it and try to manage it best I can. Am I always smiling and cheerful? Hell no. I get moody, and sometimes it is directly related to how my old, grinding joints are faring. Sometimes it is my sore foot making me mad that I need to sit when I want to walk. Sometimes it is my back, reacting badly to everything else going on with the body it is trying to support.

Sometimes a sour mood can take hold and be more mental than physical. The pain, the limitations, the aches, the surgeries pending. It can all get frustrating and discouraging. And damn tiring.

But then I remind myself once again that I am lucky. Most people I read about with AMC (Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita, my condition from birth ) spend their lives confined to wheelchairs or crutches, even after dozens of surgeries. Me? I can still walk around on these two legs, even if it is thanks to science and a great doctor. I have nothing to complain about.

So, what am I complaining about? Nothing, I suppose. Venting may be a more appropriate term. Working through the mental baggage I am carrying and trying to make sense of it. Reaffirming the positive for myself.

Have I been through a lot? Yeah, but who the heck hasn’t. It can get frustrating and annoying, and it is okay to feel that, too. But it doesn’t and won’t define me. It is only one aspect of my life, and one I can and will deal with.

Life includes pain.

But life isn’t only pain.