Surviving Twin Syndrome

An article on Surviving Twin Syndrome written by a surviving twin.

For the twenty five years I’ve been alive and for as far back as I can remember, there has been an empty spot inside of me that I cannot explain.  I can’t really even describe it.  But there is something that’s missing and no one can ever fill the void.

     When I was around five or six, I remember my mother telling me that I had a sister who was in Heaven with God.  As I got older, I memorized that story until I had all of the facts straight.  My sister was exactly two minutes older than me and much more smaller than myself.  We were very premature and in 1985, they just didn’t have the technology they have today.

     My twin died 18 days after we were born.  She left me alone in this world.  We were fraternal and we were given rhyming names.  Sort of.  She was blond headed where I possessed darker hair.  I’m sure her eyes were lovely but no one can tell me what color they were.

     Inside of my mother, we fought for room and we probably beat the tar out of each other.  It’s said that we tried to come out at the same time. I’m taking it we were competitive and probably would have fought over boys and make up among other things.  But it still remains that she was my sister.  My twin.  I would have had a bond with her that no one else could touch.

     I’m not as upset as I used to be, but it would have been nice to meet her.  To know her.  Then again, it would have made the pain much worse when I did lose her.  A lot of people probably couldn’t see me as a twin, but I feel it every day.  That emptiness sometimes becomes overwhelming and I often feel as if I’m trying to live for two very different people.

     I try to imagine what she would have been like.  The more popular, no doubt.  The more outspoken and better liked of us.  My life would be totally different if she was still alive today.  But everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?

     If you have a twin, just try to imagine not having that sibling.  I’m sure it’s a terrible feeling, isn’t it?  If you’ve lost a twin, then I’m sure you can relate to this article more than someone who doesn’t know what it’s like.  Do you feel guilty?  I do. Very often.  Do you question why you survived and your twin didn’t?  I do.  More than I care to mention.  

     Another interesting point is dreams.  Do you ever dream of your twin?  In my dreams, my sister is the same age as me.  Which is weird considering she died as a mere infant.  But she is.  She shares a lot of my features and she’s ever so proper.  She’s the opposite of everything I am.  It’s nice to have those dreams, but at the same time it’s a huge disappointment when I wake up and she’s not really there.

     I’ve never been diagnosed as having Surviving Twin Syndrome.  But doesn’t it make sense after everything I’ve shared with you?  She died.  I survived.  I live with that absence.  It’s like having a phantom limb that you can sometimes feel even when it’s not there. 

     This article has become entirely too long.  But I wanted to get that out there and see who may reply.  Please feel free to contact me if you’d like to talk about your twin.  We will honor and remember them together.  

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