The MSer

Have you ever gone to bed one night and woke up the next morning numb on one side of your body?

Have you ever gone to sleep seeing perfectly, but woke up seeing two of everything?

Have you ever been able to drive hours on end by your self, but one day you wake up and can’t even walk without assistance?

Have you ever been in your prime and in the blink of an eye you’re shot down to being totally dependent on others?

Did you ever foresee a time where you get diagnosed with a chronic illness with no cure in site?

This is what happened to me.  Tingles, double vision, numbness, massive headaches.  What the heck?  No one knows.  Anxiety?  No.  Eye disease? No.  Hmm?  From one doctor to another.  Finally an answer,  possibly multiple sclerosis.  What?!  Second opinion please.  Spinal tap, blood tests, MRIs…needles, needles, needles.  Same result.  Multiple sclerosis.  I’m 28, not married, no kids, good relationship, okay job and you’re telling me I have MS.  Wait a minute, what is MS?  I personally thought only white people had this thing.  But wait a minute, Montel Williams does so it’s not racially biased.  Let’s see what this thing really is.  Oh my goodness!  I’m not ready for this.  Flashes of Richard Pryor:  wheelchair bound, not being able to talk, think, clean myself.  Brain goes directly to the most horrific extreme.  I forget he had all the drug stuff happening with him though.  But wait, let’s see who else has this thing.  Tamia?  Wow, didn’t know that one.  Things start to look better.  More info input…okay, okay.  It will be okay.  Pray, pray, pray..God won’t put more on me than I can bear, but here comes more news.  You have to give yourself injections not once, not twice, but 3x a week.  Huh?  Me poking needles in myself on purpose?  Naw.  But they help me out with an auto injector.  This massive contraption which I load with a needle and shoot myself.  BANG!!! That click seems so loud.  Are you rotating your injection spots?  Don’t inject in the same place in a row.  Don’t give yourself shots two days in a row.  If you miss one day hurry up and take it as soon as possible the next day.  You may have injection site reactions…bruising, redness, tenderness.  But wait, there’s more!  Possible liver damage.  Liver damage!?  Side effects seem so much worse than the disease itself.

Tiredness.  Not normal tiredness, the kind where you’re still sleepy/tired after having a full night’s rest.  Tired all day long…but now that I think about it,  I spent most of the night going to the bathroom.  This thing disrupts everything.  People not knowing what you’re going through, yet feel they have an answer to what ails you.  Just do like I do, they say…you’ll feel better.  No, I won’t and please leave me alone.  Looks of pity.  Can’t stand looks of pity.  I’m not to be pitied.  Just because I can’t see straight, can’t work, can’t drive, can’t walk without assistance…wait a second.

Flash ahead 2 years.  Still tired.  Good days, bad days.  Can walk on my own, still no work, but I can look at this time.  Don’t get me started with social security…whole other story.  Engaged..still scared at times (not from the engagement), but I know all will be well.  I choose to not name it.  It’s a thing that decided to invade my body.  Why?  Don’t know.

I am Aretha, not that girl with MS who should be pitied.  I am strong, smart, and gosh durn’t people like me.  I think.  The only thing that makes me fully come to the realization that I have this thing is the click.  BANG!