Childbirth Facts They Didn’t Tell You

Let’s let the cat out of the bag and reveal some of the negative things you only ever find out for yourself after you get on the  mid-wife’s stretcher.

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There is lots of gunk

In the midst of all the pushing and screaming, women fail to notice the pile of gunk building up. If you look down after the wonderful baby has popped out (you’re probably too drugged up to care), you’ll be surprised to find that you’ve also ‘given birth’ to an equal amount of fluids. A mixture of urine, water, baby poo, and bloody solution is quickly mopped up by the nurses and mid-wife attending you.

You’ll be wearing unattractive paper pants afterwards

After the trauma of pushing a little person out, you won’t be able to wear proper pants (underwear) for the next 10 days or so.  Paper pants serve two purposes, they’re aerated so they help with the healing process. They’re easy to tear off when you can’t bend your legs into the required movement  to put on normal pants. A ruffling sound may accompany you whenever you shuffle around. Nice!

They may need to push the baby the wrong way in

Unfortunately, if your labour has gone on for too long and they decide that a Caesarean delivery is needed, they may have to push the baby back up the birth canal to do this. Heave ho!

Medical students may be present at the birth

And no, they won’t be just standing there taking notes. They’ll all have to take a turn at checking how much you’re dilated.

You will lose all self-respect and dignity

Many people, including husbands and parents of other people giving birth in the same ward will be passing up and down as you’re in labour. My husband walked through the wrong curtains by accident (at least that’s what he said). The woman squatting there seemed almost happy to see him. After all, more help to get that fridge out of your tummy is good, right? Don’t worry about ‘exposing yourself’ to male and female doctors/nurses etc. You won’t mind giving everyone a show once the pain starts.

You will be left with unsightly scars

Not all stitches are closed up by expert ’seamstresses’.  You can be left with crocked or uneven ones. If you have any pigmentation at all, you may even be left with a dark line running down from your navel.

They may ask your husband to do weird stuff to you in public

If needed, they may ask him to shave you or stimulate your nipples to help your contractions come on when they should. Don’t act all coy!

Stitches  may not disintegrate

Not all of them do. The midwife, during your post natal check up, may have to remove them then. Oh the embarrassment!

Now you know all this stuff, you’re prepared for the negative side of giving birth. Always keep in mind that having your baby is probably the best, most fulfilling feeling in the world. When you’re holding him/her in your arms none of this will matter. You may even go ahead and maybe have a few more babies (you’re a sucker for punishment). Regardless of what you think, we seem to be programmed to forget all this. For more on this topic, visit my relationship blog.