Health Shock! Coffee Contains Small Doeses of The Addictive Drug Caffeine (Satire)

We are sure to get another scaremongering health risk story every week from scientists working for the government. The latest is the health risk posed by coffee. I’m not sure which science is responsible for these reports and statistics, the science of fear and panic maybe?

This latest may seem to be a non story and you’d all prefer I gave you a detailed report on the shenanigans in Brussels as Mario Merkozy and other national leaders try to work out a deal that will save the Euro single creency, a breakdown of the latest forecasts on rising unemployment, falling GDP or the predictions of the Climate Change crooks and liars on how many more climate catastrophes are needed before they get their £100million research grant and a purpose built research centre on an island in the Caribbean (Answer, 42) but I get sooooo bored with stuff like that.

It is therefore a pleasant change to be able to focus in this article on the shock news that the coffee you buy in some coffee shop chains contains a slightly higher dose of caffeine than that sold in others. The most astonishing thing about this revelation for many of our readers will be the claim that coffee from well known some coffee chains contains any caffeine at all. But people don’t buy coffee from Starbucks or Costa Coffee to drink it, they buy it so they can be seen rushing through the streets carrying it, thus giving off a message that shouts, “Look at me, I’m so important and so busy and so successful I do not have time to sit in pleasant surroundings drinking my coffee from a china cup or stoneware mug.”

They miss the point of course, those of us who sit in The Ritz coffee lounge, drinking coffee from china cups and lingering for almost an hour over our second cup give off the message, “I can afford to sip coffee in luxurious surroundings at my leisure because I am considerably more important and sufccessful, and richer  than you schmucks running round with your styrofoam cups.

Though the news may not seem verry significant a report from the UK Food Standards Association has caused the bansturbators division of the Nanny State Thought Police to get their knickers in a right old twist. How can they monitor people properly to make sure we are not enjoying our coffee when major retailers are operating in such a shambolic and unbrureaucratic way. Investigative reporters were told to wake up, smell the coffee and report back on who is behind this latest health scare story which will surely lead to a campaign calling for coffee to be banned to protect us from ourselves in the way that similar scare stories based on equally flimsy evidence have spawned campaigns to ban salt, sugar, butter, red meat, alcohol, SPAM, chocolate, carbon dioxide and fun.