Anxiety Disorder – The Diary Day 4

Day four and by far the worst.

I always start with the sleep and although mostly uninterrupted, it did not remain like that as i awoke at 5 in the morning sweating, and clutching my chest in pain. However it soon passed and what was normal sleep resumed.

Upon awaking my grandfather, in his usual fashion began to crack the whip, now i said yesterday we had an argument, which i think was still brewing under us both. I shook only slightly but thought it best to take some tablets just in case and i knew what was coming.

Shopping.

I am sorry you must have expected something quite different to that, but shopping is  a dreadful nervous experience. Today like always i would hold my head down but i could almost feel people staring at me, almost as if they were judging me. Each item i picked up i made sure i had it in two hands and never in just the one, the shakes would break such an item in just one hand, and i have broken stuff through fear before.  The groups of kids going about were the worst, i go shopping at the same time as my parents as they are my transport for food back to the house. So i stayed with them and feared going off on my own. 

Now i had to find something in the shop, for anyone else this is a simple ask the nearest employee situation, but for me it was a ask your dad to ask a man for you!   I cant even talk to people in supermarkets now! Am i crazy?

The till was the worse, i needed more carrier bags but i could not ask for them but luckily once again my father was there to save the day and asked for me.

I can not live my entire life like this, one it is not healthy and two i cant ever do anything. Those two things i admit and have for some years.

Later that night more arguments and more shaking but nothing too dramatic that i could not handle.

So questions, well once again i don’t actual have any so i will take a comment instead.

Trinket says “you should not attempt the whole problem at once, and just take a small part of it and start on that then you may succeed.”    I paraphrase there but that was the gist of the substantially longer comment.

Allow me a small time to explain.

My anxiety started on the 10th October 2001 at around 2pm when i was badly beaten. This was what is known as the trigger event. From this event my anxiety flows. Now as much as i wish i could the past is unchangeable. So the root cause of this whole problem can not be fixed. I can try and try to change the symptoms but my will power suddenly gives out, or i get terrible chest pains and nearly collapse, in fact i have a few times.

It is difficult to think that one may be like this most of ones life, it is difficult to see kids playing nicely and smiling and then thinking back and realizing you are not smiling anymore and realizing that you can not remember the last time you ever smiled.

I wear a cross at my neck to try and remind me to keep the faith, and i wear a locket with a friend inside close to my heart, i can not forget what happened, and i can not forgive any of those people who hit me and tortured me everyday. I just cant and i know it is the first step but i cant take that step yet!

Tomorrow is the fifth day so any questions you want answering tomorrow then ask them either here or at stuartharley46@yahoo.co.uk