Depression: A Life-long Burden or a Cureable Illness?

I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. While my class-mates were having a good time whilst growing up, I was stuck in my room wondering why everything felt so wrong. I did have some good times, but they were very few and far between. I thought that it was something I would grow out of. Until my early thirties, I lived my life thinking that once I had gone to University, moved home, changed job, even moved country, met the man of my dreams, things would change and I would become the person I wanted to be. Every time I felt low, I would change something in my life and hope that the change would bring about a new outlook in life for me.

That isn’t to say that I locked myself away all that time. I did go to University, I lived abroad for many years, I had a series of reasonable, if not exactly high-flying, jobs and I had a few solid relationships. Yet nothing seemed to work. Every few months, I would have a few weeks when I could barely get up, let alone go to work and function as I should. I had what I would call my first nervous breakdown five years ago. At the time, I was living abroad, had just split with my partner of six years and didn’t really have anyone that I felt I could turn to. I coped, just, by resigning from my job and deciding to return to the UK and retrain in another field.

So, life began again. And, for a while, things went well. I found a new man, got a Masters and a new job. Then the dark clouds of depression descended again. For the first time, I went to see a doctor, who diagnosed me with depression and put me on anti-depressants. I took them for several weeks, but still didn’t feel any better. I started feeling suicidal. I couldn’t work, hardly ate, rarely got up except to go to the shop for alcohol, which I would drink until I was oblivious. Thankfully, before things went too far, I went back to my doctor’s and was referred to a day hospital, where I attended various group therapies and started to see a therapist. Gradually, I began to feel much better and eventually returned to work and tried to get back to usual.

A year ago I suffered from my third breakdown after the break-up of a relationship with the man I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. This time, I decided that my life really was over. I was very calm and collected as I planned my death; the thought that everyone would be better off without me was uppermost in my mind at the time. I made four attempts on my life before I realized that I had to get help. I was hospitalised for several weeks, had my medication changed, and saw a number of therapists. Then I left the city I had been living in and returned to my roots to be with my family. It took until just a couple of months ago before I felt ready to face the world again.

Taking some time out has really given me the opportunity to think about my future and what it is that I want to do. I realise now that trying to run away from my problems wasn’t going to solve anything – the problem was within me and until I had learned to like myself and not rely on other people for my happiness, I was never going to be able to move on. I still have a long way to go. My confidence levels are low, and my bad experiences with men have made me very wary about meeting another one. I think it will be a long time, if ever, before I take the plunge again.

Every cloud does have a silver lining though. It may sound hackneyed, but I am beginning to find myself. I have always wanted to write, but have been afraid to take time out of my career, for fear that I wouldn’t be any good at it. Having nearly died has made me very aware that life is too short to be afraid. I don’t have a job at the moment, but I am making some money from writing and I am happier than I have been for a long time. Finally, I am doing something that I want to do and not what someone else – be it my father or my partner or friends – think that I should do. I do not know if I have seen the last of depression in my life. I suspect not. But I have learned a valuable lesson that I hope I can pass on to others: depression doesn’t have to and shouldn’t rule your life. If it is, then you need to seek help as soon as you can. And then, when feeling better, you may need to take a good long look at your life and make what could be drastic changes. It will be worth it in the long run. I wish you all the luck in the world.