Before we get started let it be known that this extreme illness we do not choose nor do we want this disorder to use as a scapegoat of why we are not normal and would like others to appreciate the pain we suffer day in and day out. Depression in my opinion is defined by each and every person different but we all can admit that it is when someone wastes the day away slowly killing themselves because the joy in reality is not their but replaced by this black hole of failure misfortune, emptiness regardless of of how we are living we still believe it is happening therefore we require professional assistance otherwise the escape paths we all take will lead down the road of suicide, cutting, drug addiction, co dependency, not eating, sleeping, stealing, sex, gambling, alcohol etc. The million dollar question is how did you get depressed and the severity of the damage it has instilled in your life. I personally believe their are many facets of how someone ends up depressed for life due to a certain something. Their are a million different ways someone could have fallen into this black hole by getting bullied, loss of a loved one, major divorce, a break up of a partner, school failure, job failure, self confidence, and many more etc. I was bullied for a good 6 years everyday and occasionally maybe every other day and I started looking back now since I am 20 that I escaped through sleeping 16 hour days and cutting myself at work to relieve the pain. I could go into more detail but I would like to help others deal with the kind of pain now because I know now that cutting myself would hurt so much and I am shocked that it was not hurting because the pain was so bad. I feel an immense pain and sorrow for the people who suffer from any sort of depression and especially severe depression. My cutting was not the end for those who think that that was minuscule. I did reach the end of paths by attempting suicide at 16 but did not have the guts once applying the rope.  I live and so do millions with depression that is so bad we see no problem with wasting away life because we do not see it like that. No book or teacher can explain to a willing scholar that depression can be cured through a non depression person. Sure the pain can become alleviated within a certain degree but to go over the hurdle in my belief, you have to be able to find and relate to someone who also has had or have depression severely. I say that because when anyone who has been dealing with lets say a disease or disorder, their are certain memories or times where we want the person to laugh with us or get what your explaining rather than saying you alright  I’m sorry or we will address that issue later. We will and only listen and want to change through someone who knows our pain and has been through it. Examples so if some of you do not understand is like trying to tell a drug addict he or she needs help and knows what their going through at the time. We obviously do not reject anyone’s help but In my belief, we would like the person to be knowing our pain in a different realm rather than being educated about it. It makes it easier to relate to especially when their are low times when the healing process takes place. Depression requires immediate attention regardless of the outcome because when dealing with an depressed individual they can escape their problem hurting themselves or others. Parents ought to realize we want to be helped to a certain degree when we know they care about us because if they give up we think they do not love us and we find many escape paths that usually harm us or others.

We as a parent should sign legal documents like a house stating they will pay and oblige just like they need to sign a paper stating they will be good loving parents to their kids otherwise someone else will take over so no further damage is done. Parents have a responsibility to raise smart educated kids because I would feel severely depressed knowing I brought a human being in this existence to suffer every day. In my opinion, utter happiness is to raise happy children who grow up and do “important” things with their lives and everyday you can reminisce about the good life of your kids. Sexual needs can easily be met by using protection because you are protecting your self from the responsibility of raising a normal kid and allowing that child to have a great life and not have to endure the pain you have. Every child is born with no murder instincts, or complete sadness and therefore needs the proper self guidance and moral compass every kid needs in living a normal life. I used to treasure my younger innocent years remembering the times where I never had problems or at least never remembered on a daily basis how bad they were. I just can’t seem to get out of this horrible feeling and the father I go down this deep dark road the farther the bright light seems to reach. I sometimes get these flukes I call them where I am getting a tease so painful it hurts tremendously afterward when I come back to the depression. I am able to function like a happy normal person but these so called flukes occasionally happen and I am aware it won’t last. I’ve tried being more positive but I sometimes want smarter older people to come up with a solution because by now their should be a proven healthy method for severe depression. Why does society want us to cower away and amount to squat in life while feeling every sad word in the dictionary. We cannot fix this problem by ourselves and need outside assistance otherwise Society is murdering not by hand but murdering by choice. They choose to not help the depressed mainly because I believe we have not given the world a good enough reason to. I wish I could speak in front of influential people and persuade them to take action and step away from the medicine route. I guarantee if someone took a second and talked to a couple of severely depressed adults or children that they will feel  some sympathy towards a serious cause. I am crippled and its just not fair how I suffer and no one is able to pick up on that. I ask myself does this just last till death or am I supposed to just tough it out? I wonder if I just let nature take it’s course whether it would stop or gradually get better or for worse. I can tell you I have had this disability for 5 long years and it only gets worse. I have tried everything to block the pain and it only makes things worse. Why cant I just be fortunate to have a decent life. So many people out their are living pleasant lives that I am missing out on. Days and months go by and I don’t even bother to care. I could care less if years go by and I am still in my bed. I fear that i’ll give up and the next moment either take too big of a risk to block this pain out or be dead from old age. I cannot afford another shot at life from my stupid mistakes. Maybe acceptance is the way to go but how can I accept when no one is their to comfort me. I was given this crazy way of thinking the world is now against me and I am “willing” to suffer and not do anything about it. I finally have enough inside me to fight back ever so slowly but jesus sake it took 5 years to make the tiniest of improvements. Accomplishments are vital to have and sadly at this point in life I have none to look back on to get me through the tough times. Their are countless times I wish I had a backbone whenever I started feeling blue so it can quickly get my mind off thinking crappy and reverse it into whatever my happy feeling is. I think that is the toughest part for me and others is to find that one happy thought to rely on when times are really hard because all we can do is tough the storm out by using alternative means of sleeping. I am slowly loosing to life’s battle and can never progress further, it just seems impossible and I never get a downhill cruise which makes it really difficult to function. I use words like impossible and hard because that is all I am capable of saying, my brain never puts in my head words like happiness and success. How do we define functioning to a degree of normal. Is secluding yourself from society healthy? All I would want is for anyone to envy me and want my life which would allow me to achieve utter happiness knowing someone is jealous of me. I have no clue when that day comes because it somewhat seems like I am wasting life away waiting for my lottery numbers to hit when we all know it will never happen. Am I doing a good enough job to slide by the radar of most people or is something just wrong with me and needs to be fixed?

     I observe others when I occasionally step outside and crave the feeling of wanting to know why they are happy and what drives that inner happiness. My significant other and me question our ability to emulate after them. Exposure could be fatal for someones recovery because I become overwhelmed with the fact that so many people are happy and you aren’t could change your perception to achieving happiness. Happiness can be attained by those who aren’t completely severely depressed by breaking it down into small tasks of meeting one person at a time. Their are certain stages of any disorder and if one was to fall victim to severe depression I believe their is no way out like if you are diagnosed with cancer. Ultimately if you do not catch it early enough you will die but if caught early with the right precaution than it is treatable. Prevention is key and life should not be taken for granted by anyone because the one day you slip like I did, hell is actually a term I use now for living on this earth.

 Is Happiness what society wants or is it a basic deep down need that we all have inside of us? If everyone is depressed would you strive to become happy or is it just superficial. I would like to think it is a real human feeling that is easily swayed by events in our life. Is that the ultimate destiny for human  beings…happiness feels unattainable because when your severely depressed you are just in that feeling of sadness and your brain doesn’t feel capable at all of feeling happy. if you felt happiness you would know you where capable of feeling that way .