Borderline Personality Disorder – A View From The Inside.
I have no life.
Why anyone might be so arrogant as to attempt to write about a life that doesn’t exist is beyond me, beyond my grasp, beyond my understanding, beyond my comprehension. This scrawl began as a suicide note, but having lost my nerve I now ramble on about things that pain me. We all speed forward through our lives towards death, all suffering, some more than others; some much more than others. We all commit suicide in our own secret, terrible ways, but almost nobody writes about why.
Perhaps I will.
My first memory is of being in the south of France, aged three. I am sat on the top of a shiny metal slide in nothing but a terry-towling nappy, with blonde locks of hair curling around my face, big blue innocent eyes looking up at my father standing by my side, arms outstretched ready to catch me should I fall. The ground around me looks brown and old from the rays of a golden sunset, the humidity almost visible in the air. Except I can’t remember this memory. The only evidence I have that it actually ever happened is a photograph in a big old album kept by my mother, filled with pictures of events and laughter and smiles from before I was born, and after. The pictures following my birth look old and tired, the colours no longer sharp and vivid but drained, as if the memory itself is fading away with each passing day. I wonder if I were to destroy all the photographs of me, would I ever remember anything from my childhood? Because, you see, these moments captured in time can’t be real if I can’t remember them and if all evidence of that time has been disposed of. Would I just not exist at all if there were no photographic evidence of my existence? And if I were to continue to exist, at what point would I go insane driven by a lack of memories that have inevitably in some way determined and shaped who I have become?? These are questions that plague me, but I can’t let them consume me for too long. I have a story to tell, and am eager to get this all out of my head once and for all.