Healing Our Empathic Selves

The gift of emotions grants a special grace: the ability to sense what

another is feeling. Everyone is empathic to some degree, and this

sense allows humans to bridge the otherwise unspannable gulf between

Self and Other. When we cry at weddings, we’re responding to the

wealth of joyous emotions present in the gathering; we cry at funerals

as we respond to and express personal and collective grief. When you

smile at a child’s laughter, or are moved to act on behalf of another

– even if that Other is half a world away — you are likely

responding in empathy. It gives us the ability to connect with one

another, to hurt with them, to laugh with them, to love with them, to

touch in ways that transcend simple flesh.

Empathy first manifests in childhood, usually at toddlerhood, when

emotions first make their stormy appearance in the developing human

psyche. Tempestuous tears and temper fits give way to sunny smiles and

burbling laughter, one following so closely upon the other that the

new parent is often left dizzy in the aftermath. Those parents who are

well-read in child development, or who are meticulously conscious of

their child’s being will realize that these emotional roller-coasters

are the symptoms of progress, and that the storms and upsets are the

signs that the child is learning to integrate these new and powerful

energies into their young lives.

Until this age, the infant was unable to differentiate; that is to

say, what Baby is feeling is quite literally all there is. There was

no need for empathy. Self and self’s needs comprised the infant’s

entire known universe. Self literally is all there is. With the

discover of emotions comes a further and even more shocking

revelation: What I am feeling right now isn’t what Mommy (or anyone

else) is feeling! That there can be a difference between the feelings

of Self and Other heralds yet more developmental progress — the child

is inexorably “growing up.”

When the process of separating one’s emotions from those of the rest

of the emoting population begins, then the capacity for empathy

appears, as does the need to integrate these abilities into a coherent

and healthy personality. For some, the process of emotional integrity

and differentiation — the special challenges empathy poses — is a

struggle that will continue well into adulthood.

The question most often asked is, “If we are all of us empathic, then

how can we hurt one another? Why don’t we understand each other

better?” The answers to those questions invoke a complex of factors,

societal, cultural, familial, and personal, and are beyond the scope

of a simple article. Speaking in therapeutic terms, however, the

answers most often involve a stunting in our empathic growth –

usually before we’d learned to speak properly.

This emotional stunting was usually done with the best of

intentions. Parents generally wish to protect their children, and do

not intend to burden them with what they were not capable of

understanding. Innocent queries (“What’s wrong, Mommy? Why are you

crying?”) were answered with denials (“Nothing’s wrong, honey. Go

play.”). The denials set up internal conflict: Do I believe Mommy,

the goddess of my small universe, who loves me and would never lie to

me? But if she’s telling the truth and nothing is wrong, why did I

feel so sad when I saw her cry?

If the child was unwise enough to press the matter (“But Mommy! You’re

crying! Are you hurt? Are you sad?”), anger or frustration was often

the reward (“I said nothing is wrong! Now go to your room!”). Anger

seethes inside a child’s tender heart; for highly sensitive or

empathic children, it burns like acid. Simple avoidance behavior and

self-defense soon teach the child not to listen to that empathic self!

Who, the child correctly reasons, needs that kind of trouble?

This relatively simple example typifies the dynamic involved, but it

by no means stops there. By the time a child enters elementary school,

he/she is well versed in the emotional/verbal double-speak that passes

for social and familial interactions in modern America. They encounter

it at the dinner table every night, at family gatherings on

holidays. They see it on television, if their parents permit them to

watch enough of it. The predominance of factors that contribute to

emotional dissociation hinted at here is no exaggeration. Each time a

child sees a parent answer a friend or acquaintance with “Oh, I’m

just fine!” to the socially expected queries, the wall between

emotional integrity and dissociation grows higher, especially if the

child knows or senses that their parent most definitely is NOT

“fine”!

And so, burgeoning empathic abilities have been largely shut down in

favor of believing the words which others use to camoflage, or lie

about, what they’re really feeling. They believe the words, and

discount what their empathic senses are telling them. And yet this

knowledge doesn’t simply `go away,’ no matter how often it is ignored

or pushed away. No one can stop feeling, no matter how much those

feelings are denied or suppressed, nor can our ability to sense the

emotional states of others be shut down for long. The pathologies

associated with doing so are legion — Borderline Personality

Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and clinical depression

are but three. More common and less likely to be mentioned in

therapeutic circles are emotional instability, weight gain,

self-esteem issues, and/or poor academic achievement. For some,

medication becomes temporary reprieve or permanent solution, even if

it isn’t a particularly good or effective one.

Fortunately, the way into this dilemma mirrors the way out. If

emotional deception and insincerity are at root cause, then emotional

honesty and integrity are natural counters. It’s a simple deduction,

but a more difficult practice than might first appear — when you live

in a culture that values emotional shallowness, insincerity, and

denial (and Americans do), what measure or gauge can be used to

determine emotional depth, sincerity, and acceptance? To suggest that

instinct or intuition will suffice is nearly meaningless in this

regard, for neither are reliable when empathic development is

stunted. There are guides, signposts, and maps through this wasteland,

and here are several ways you can access them:

Contemplative Arts

Turning inward and developing a regular

practice that will allow you to unmask emotional lies,

uncover old emotional traumas, and get comfortable with

your emotional truth is the surest way to heal empathic

wounds and return to holistic empathic functioning. I have

a book on the subject, and you can learn more about it at

http://www.metaphorsforlife.com/0104-free.php.

Spiritual Mentoring

A good mentor knows the maps, signposts,

and can guide you through the confusing and sometimes

deceptive landscape that is within you. For some tips and

guidelines for choosing a good mentor see the article entitled

“Breaking the Chains” by Rev. Michael Matson D.D. at

http://www.metaphorsforlife.com/articles/Orthodoxy-3.html.

Start an Emotion Journal

What is an emotion? What does joy feel

like? How do you know when you’re sad? Do you tell the truth

about what you’re feeling? Recording these things in an Emotion

journal is a good way to ex-press (that is, press out) what

you’re feeling, and to come to understand what you’re feeling

actually feels like.

Psychoanalysis

Like a good mentor a good psychotherapist can

also help you navigate the pitfalls associated with past

emotional traumas. They can also assist you in figuring out

what you’re feeling, if you’re having difficulty in this regard.

Body work

There is a growing body of evidence that suggests we

tend to carry our unprocessed emotions in our physical bodies as

muscle tension, pinched nerves, etc. A good massage therapist or

myofascial practitioner can identify and loosen the physical

manifestations of poorly processed emotions and thus help you

access the raw emotional material that caused them.

Read books

There is more material accessible to us now
about

emotions and empathy than there has ever been. The late

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did some groundbreaking work in natural

emotions, which has been built upon by other therapists and

authors. Use extreme caution in accessing material on the

Internet however, as some of it falls prey to the same

shallowness and insincerity that demarks the rest of our

culture.

One of my students often says “Empathy can change the world,” and I

tend to side with her. Imagining a world where empathic sensibilities

preclude the need or ability to lie, steal, or harm another (or group

of others) often gives me hope that some day, humanity as a whole

might one day realize (i.e. “make real”) the promises inherent in

this most common, most precious of gifts.