How to Communicate Effectively: Assertive Communication

The lifeline of every relationship is communication. Be it at work or at home, the way you communicate is a give-away of your personality – whether you are passive, aggressive, aggressively passive or assertive. The most enduring relationships are based on assertive communication. Any passive, aggressive, or passively aggressive behavior brings misunderstanding between people and destroys relationships. This is because only the assertive behavior is based on non-victim attitude, whereas the other three styles are based on one feeling victimized.

Persons who behave passively or submissively have no self esteem; they do not express their opinions, allow others to make decisions for them, and then feel others make use of them to achieve their own selfish motives. They feel anxious, because life seems out of their control.

Aggressive persons are impulsive, brutally honest, force their own decisions on others and make insensitive remarks, leaving others humiliated and hurt. They have no scruples about achieving their own goals at the expense of others.

The Passive-aggressive People

Passive-aggressive people keep hurt feelings to themselves until some event triggers an emotional outburst. These individuals vacillate between aggressiveness and submissiveness, depending on the circumstances. Passive-aggressive communicators will hesitate to confront the person, but show their resentment in irritating ways – for example, they will mutter, be sarcastic, etc. Though they may appear to be cooperative, they are covertly destructive.

All of us display certain passive-aggressive tendencies in various ways. These are remnants from childhood “survival programs.” When we first come into the world, we would cry and be unconstrained in letting our feelings be known. But when the parents or caretakers are highly controlling and do not let us express ourselves, we adopt a passive-aggressive behavior as a coping strategy. 

As we grow up, we start trying out ways of asserting ourselves. Since we realize that aggression is not allowed and to survive, we express our anger indirectly. We learn that asking for our needs is not possible, and we resort to manipulating others to achieve our needs. 

When we become adults, we crave for validation from others, but do not speak out for fear of adverse consequences. We also have a very difficult time saying no to other’s requests. While we view anyone we consider to be in a position of authority with respect, we also project our resentments, frustrations and anger onto these very same people. Since we have poor self esteem, almost everyone else is a person of power or authority.

The Assertive People

Assertiveness is the ideal compromise between the extremes of passivity and aggression. Building self esteem and self confidence is the first step in becoming more assertive.

Assertive individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. They value themselves, their time, and their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others.