Npd: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The first time I heard of it I was shocked. I could not believe that for all the years of my life I had been blaming myself for not being good enough, pretty enough or smart enough for my mother when really there is an explanation! This is NOT my fault. I would also be quick to say that it is not my mother’s fault either. Whose fault is it then? And why had this answer to my rocky relationship with my mother been hiding for all of these years? It is just that—there is also very little known of what we call NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I always thought of a narcissist as a person who loved him or herself and thought of nothing else. And this is partly true but there is much more to narcissist self-centeredness. I grew up wondering why my mother was not the nurturing type to me and why she often ignores me when I am speaking to her. No matter what I am going through or the issues I may be having, the problem will always end up being about my mother instead of me. How it hurts her how she feels and how I should be sorry on some regard. Growing up not feeling listened to, understood and completely neglected on some fronts has been traumatizing. I have ended up with my own grief and issues because of these feelings. But when I stumbled across an article about daughters that have to seek therapy because of their NPD mothers, it spoke directly to me. I had never heard of it and this is when I began my research and started to understand my mother in a way I never had before. 

So what is NPD? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic system used in the U.S. describes NPD as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” The narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, as being excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power and prestige. Those with NPD lack empathy. It became clear as I read some of these descriptive words that my introverted, self-indulgent mother, who never would share any of her things with me and rarely offered a compassionate thought, might perhaps have this personality disorder. And it gave me hope. But why was she this way? My father was an amazing man. He was tragically killed 10 years ago in a plane crash when I was 16 and both of her parents are still alive. I thought back. And I reviewed the symptoms and reasons further of those with NPD.

• Symptoms: Those with Narcissist Personality Disorder have a grandiose sense of self-importance, is interpersonally exploitative, show arrogant, haughty attitudes or behaviors, require excessive admiration, fantasize about power, exaggerate about achievements, take advantage of others, are jealous of others, set unrealistic goals, express disdain for those he or she feels are inferior.
• Potential Causes: Overindulgent and overvaluation by parents, being praised for perceived exceptional looks or talents by adults, severe emotional abuse in childhood, valued by parents as a way to regulate their own self-esteem, unpredictable or unreliable care giving from parents, oversensitive temperament at birth.

The only thing I could think that could have affected my mother was in her childhood. Her father was an alcoholic and was a very mean one too. These out of the potential causes could have been “emotional abuse” and “unpredictable or unreliable care giving from parents.” Indeed, when you have an alcoholic father you cannot predict how he will treat you. And I know to this day my mother has not been able to forgive him for the abuse her and her brother received years ago. Because of this I see my mother do things that do not make sense and say things to me that hurt me and do not make sense. I had often wondered if she even loved me at all. Her strangeness with the luxuries of life (such as spending excessively in private and then telling me we do not have any money for a vacation) and her black and white behavior with me now living with her can be perplexing and even heart breaking.

I have spent many days, even many years trying to figure out my mother. How can we help a person with NPD? My research has told me that it is almost impossible. A person with NPD does not think that anything is wrong with him or her and therefore, will not seek treatment. Last year, I was in an eating disordertreatment facility and asked my mother to travel across the country to visit me. It took weeks for me to get her to visit. And once she finally did, she claimed in one of our therapy sessions, “And I don’t like to travel through the snow in February…” She had to travel from Michigan to Los Angeles to visit me.  Our therapy sessions did not go well and in the end I was more hurt and in despair than before she came. I have come to the conclusion, especially from doing this research on NPD, that it is me that needs to heal and do the grieving work, not my mother. I have been greatly hurt by her and may continue to be but I cannot change her, I can only change me. And now that I understand a little about where she is coming from, it helps me understand that it is not my fault and it never was.