The Stages of Grief

Or, you may have an experience totally different from the one described above. Grief will affect different people in many different ways.

There are steps which everyone does go through, steps which were first outlined by psychistrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. This outline became known as “the five stages of grief”. Since then, many others have adapted this model to make it their own,resulting in “the four stages of grief” and “the seven stages of grief” amoung others. These stages may start prior to the actual loss or death of a loved one. As in the cases with terminal illness, the stages could start when the loved one is still alive,but suffering from an inevitably fatal illness. This article will describe, in detail, the stages of grief as they are, according to the Kubler-Ross model.

Stage One: Denial

In many ways we retain our “I’m going to live forever” mantra, which was so apparent in adolesence, for our entire lives. So, when slapped in the face by a loved ones mortality, it can be quite a shock. This shock and denial can last for days and even weeks, whatever the loss has been. It is a way to protect yourself from the all the pain.

Stage Two: Anger

Once you have been able to accept that the loss has occurred, your pain will give way to anger. Looking for someone or something to blame will become priority. As in the cases of accidental or sudden death or long term terminal illness, these feelings of anger will be similar.

Stage Three: Bargaining

This stage is more relevant for those going through the stages of grief for a loved one who is suffering from a terminal illness but has not yet passed away. It is like a mental begging – “Please let them be okay and I will…” It is also relevant after you’ve lost a loved one, even to wish for their loss to be undone. The mind can be irrational when under such a great amount of pain.

Stage Four: Depression

This stage has been found to last the longest. It can be characterized by; frequent crying, an inability to speak of your lost loved one without crying if at all and a sensitivity to all things that remind you of your lost loved one. This stage can last for months and even years. A physician or grief counselor should be consulted to determine if you are suffering from Major Depressive Disorder, otherwise known as clinical depression, or working your way through the stages of your grief.

Stage Five: Acceptance

This stage can be recognized by the decrease in the frequency of crying. The ability to speak and laugh about memories of your loved one, without crying, returns. The sometimes lingering feelings of anger and depression dissipate until they are no longer a daily occurence. You should feel a little lighter and be able to start looking forward again with hope.

Everyone grieves differently, but we do all go through variations of this grief framework. There is no set time to get through these stages. Some theorize that it could take 5 years, some say less or more. Follow your own path through these stages and one day the sun will shine again.