The Physical Physician’s Guide to Energy Producing Foods

So you’re feeling less than your peppy self. You’re feeling one card short of a full deck. You’re not quite in the pink. In short you’re in the banana tree. Well you’ve come to the right physician (me). I might not be able to take many things seriously, but I do understand how frustrating it feels to know that thousands of coffee beans have died to make the cup of coffee that you are drinking and all that bloodshed for nothing. You’re not waking up regardless of the quantity of coffee (by the way, you might want to check your coffee brand, especially if you live in America where there’s no real coffee, only coffee flavored tea). After finding out that coffee can’t cut it (your sleepiness, that is), what do you do? Well, to quote a legendary book, Don’t Panic. The next item on your breakfast menu is food. So what foods can do what coffee (May it live forever and be blessed) cant? Just have a look at the list below and feel the knowledge flowing into your nutshellBRAIN, I meant brain:

Oatmeal

Yeah, yeah, quit your whining. I know that oatmeal tastes likewell oatmeal, actually (the taste reminds one of eating pencil shavings that have been salted and dried in a brutally dry climate-say the Sahara desert). Oatmeal, regardless of its less-than-satisfactory taste, contains many carbohydrates which are the key to feeling full longer and getting a good solid boost of energy. In addition you could also add a little fruit to it (i.e. would you like oatmeal with your fruit?).

Honey

Now I know that many people are utterly disgusted by honey in its natural state (myself included), but that is no reason to deny this tortureI mean treat. Honey, simply put, contains the food that bee larvae need to grow (yes, when you eat honey you are robbing a baby bee of its food. That ought to make you feel a little better about yourself). What makes honey a great energy food is that it contains natural sugar (the kind that doesn’t deposit on your love-handles instantly because it is easier to digest), and great dollops of proteins. So you’re not only helping you body wake up, but you’re also feeding your brain (I’ll give you a hint, it’s the proteins).

Oranges

Your grandfather ate one with his breakfast; your father did the same. So what makes you so special thatyou think you can mess with tradition. It’s not only tradition, but also a very good energy-granting food. It has vitamins (yes, you need those), and the citric acid it contains is also good for waking you up (How? Have you ever tried biting into an under-ripe orange? Go on, try it. I’ll wait.). Just remember, calories (the things that give you energy and also make you fat) are better eaten than drunk (so don’t be lazy and chew, chew, chew).

Yogurt

The more sour and “splattery” cousin of milk. It is often looked down upon by members in its family; milk is silky smooth and sensual, cheese is hard (well feta is anyway) and strong of character, yogurt just goes “plop”. Who could take that seriously? Apparently your body can. Yogurt is a great source of carbohydrates, and of proteins. In yogurt’s ongoing struggle for redemption from “plopy-ness” various flavors of assorted ingredients (i.e. fruit, vanilla, bacon, pizza, cayenne pepper, etc) have been incorporated into it. I regret to inform you dear reader that those brands of yogurt are utterly USELESS! The best yogurt is the organic, unaltered kind (there’s no use getting mad at me). The upshot of buying natural, organic yogurt, on the other hand, is that you can add additives yourself, and thus remain in control over the taste of your “ploppy”I mean yummy treat (although I wouldn’t be caught dead eating the stuff).

Salads

Salads are a sort of dance, and don’t let anyone else tell you any different. Oh, sorry I meant salsa. Well it might seem weird to recommend salads as energy boosting foods, but you must remember that energy also comes from one strong little word: Fiber iber- iber-iber (echo). Unless you haven’t been paying attention (or unless I haven’t been explaining properly, which is an utterly impossible possibility), these tips are not only for breakfasters; they are so amazingly greatly fantastically usefully useful that they apply to all you day (you may thank me now). Salads are a conglomeration of green things which include (but are not limited to): lettuce, asparagus, broccoli, bok choy, apples (only the green ones), green markers (or pens), trees, paint (also green, etc,etc. Salads (besides producing fiber and energy) are a good alternative to more conventional food, since greens make you feel full without actually filling you up, thus helping you to lose weight without you actually having a reason to be grouchy about it.

Water

Uh-huh. You heard me right. Water. H2O, the wet stuff,the Big Blue, surf fuel, etc Your brain functions by means of small electrical impulses which as you know (if you’ve bothered staying awake during your physics classes in school) is best conducted through water (unless your brain functions with a special hydrogen-silicate formula that conducts water twenty times faster than water, in which case please skip this point). It has been recommended by these so-called scientists that seem to roam our world aimlessly, that we should drink either two liters per day (in the 90s), one liter per day (in 2000), three liters (2003), etc (it seems to vary with the current trends). But how much should you actually drink? Simply put: I DON’T KNOW. Yes, I, the person who is meant to help you, don’t know. The fact is that nobody actually knows for sure how much you should drink so as to stay healthy. The best way to consume water is to remember to drink approximately half your body weight in ounces per day, and also remember to top up on water if you ever feel that you’re drying up (unless you’re the wicked witch of the west in which case avoid H2O at all costs). Now for the horror story. Water, when drunk in obscene amounts, can actually flush away the electrolytes in your body, which could even result in death (but don’t let that keep you from pigging out on water).

Chocolate

I heard that! I heard that! I’m sure of it. You just went “YES!” (and threw up a gang sign – V). I am glad to ruin your moment of victory by just saying that the chocolate I’m talking about isn’t the one you have in mind. Not the soft, smooth, creamy, sweet stuff. I mean the nasty, gritty, dusty, 100% cocoa, unsweetened junk. But before you tar, feather and lynch me, hear me out. Though it might not taste as sweet as the stuff you’re used to, dark chocolate has innumerable merits. It has so much energy that it could power Iron man’s suit for a year, it can boost your memory and intelligence beyond Stephen Hawkins level, and it gives your heart such a boost that it will eat heart attacks for breakfast. Of course, like wine, you must learn the proper method for thoroughly enjoying dark chocolate; unfortunately, you can’t pull the old “ah this must be the old “89 stock” trick with chocolate (well, you could try, but you would get some pretty strange looks if you did, but don”t let me stop you from making a fool of yourself in front of people, just tell me when you’re going to do it so I can be there to laugh at you). I recommend starting with simple dark chocolate, then moving to 30% cocoa, then 50%, then 60%, until you reach 100%.

Congratulations. You’ve made it to the end of my explanation (assuming that you had enough energy to read everything). If you are awake, I suggest you start applying what I have taught you. If you are still asleep, then this is all just a dream, you will wake up refreshed, and you will go into a corner to re-think your life.

Though there are probably more energy-bequeathing foods out there, I’m not being paid enough to find them all for you, so you have to experiment a bit for yourself (that reminds me, am I getting paid for writing this stuff?). I also encourage you to experiment because (as I have learned) the best learned lessons are the ones you teach yourself (or the ones your parents taught you by means of a good beating).

As a small bonus (I must be feeling uncommonly generous today), I will recommend a few excellent espresso coffee brands:

• Meinl - (a German company whose products you will have to order through the internet because they are not sold in the US of A).
• Harar - not really a brand, but rather a species of coffee
• Kenyan coffee – again, just a species