Change Your Appetite

After going through what  I call a slump mentally emotionally and spiritually; my question to the Lord was what is wrong with me?  How did I get here, I used to be so upbeat and excited about life even when things didn’t necessarily go right?  I had found myself slowly drifting down the road to depression.  Oh, I read my bible here and there everyday; but was I absorbing.

Have you ever driven somewhere and gotten there and not remembered the route you took?  It was like the car was on auto pilot, that’s when your body was driving but your mind was on another journey.  That’s about how I had gotten in my daily reading.  I was reading but was I reading or were my eyes scanning the pages as my mouth formed the words that left my lips but never entered my ears.

I was hungry for change.  I was tired of the cycle my life had fallen in.  I was thirsty for settlement, what you probably ask?   Settlement because we were facing for-closure and we had I thought done everything to save our house.  Finally it looked as though it was inevitable that the house would be taken I started searching for a rental property.  How many know that it is almost impossible to find a descent place to stay once your credit goes completely bust.  So I wanted God the settle this issue.

The more I heard no, the more my mind started to drift down that tightening road of doubt.  I fought with every weapon I thought would work, singing, praying, fasting,dancing and talking.  I didn’t know that hunger and thirsting was the key.   I was hungry and I was oh so thirsty but for the wrong things.   I wanted so badly to get that beautiful townhouse with the granite counter tops in the kitchen.  I was hungry for a place with a 2 car garage.  I craved a place that would not lessen the lifestyle I had grown accustomed to.

How many know that if you start to follow doubt it will lead you to depression.  Once you arrive at depression, there with it’s nasty grin was suicide.  He beckoned me yet I could hear the call of the Holy Spirit reminding me that things are not hopeless. I found myself in a tennis match with suicide on one side and love empowered by the Holy Spirit on the other.

If you kill yourself nobody will really miss you- spirit of suicide, What will that do to the ones you love- spirit of love.  You’re really all alone, nobody even cares about you -spirit of suicide, what will this do spiritually to your children-spirit of love.  You see suicide is a selfish act, and if you love anybody more than yourself you will think strongly about them.  Not to mention it will send you to hell; and I definitely don’t intend to go there.

I want to see my grandchildren grow up, I want to see more souls saved, I want to see the ministry flourish.  Finally the voice of Love was all I could hear.

Thank you Jesus the Holy Spirit made me victorious.  I confessed the thoughts of suicide to the church and I knew instantly I had lessened it’s hold on me.  I could see and hear clearly now that the pain is gone.  All of those sad feelings had disappeared and here is the answer I was praying for; it’s gonna be a bright Son shinning day!

I sat down this morning and read a passage that I have read so many times before.  This time I not only read it, I heard it, I felt it , I understand with a new level of inspiration.

Matthew 5:6

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

I needed to change my appetite, I now realize that I should hunger for more Jesus even when things seem to be most difficult.  They claim if you get hungry enough you’ll eat anything.  Well if you hunger and thirst for righteousness nothing else will satisfy except Jesus!