Living Large: My Life with an Eating Disorder Chapter Three

                I want to throw an idea out there; you never defeat an eating disorder. Now, let me clarify. You can be treated and you can eliminate all extreme behaviors, but an eating disorder never leaves you.

                That’s both comforting and terrible, I guess. It’s comforting because then I know that if I have a thought about the calories in a food it doesn’t mean I’m going to fall into extreme behavior. It’s a part of me that I can’t get rid of. However, it’s terrible because it’s never going to leave me. I’ll have to deal with this my entire life, off and on hopefully, but still.

                I always laugh when someone asks me if I’m ‘ok now.’ In a way, yes. I’m not throwing up. I’m not starving myself. However, I still look at pictures of thin models and I still consider starting to count calories again. Am I ok? I’m not doing anything that’s going to literally hurt me, so am I ok?

                I think a person can have a disorder without actually doing anything extreme, which is hard for some people, especially my parents, to understand. An eating disorder is not about eating, so how do you categorize someone as ‘cured?’ The disorder comes from the mind, develops into thoughts, into beliefs and then turns into actions. If a person can control their actions, that is only the first step. Beliefs are complex and usually engrained into our minds. A person with a disorder has had to believe so thoroughly in what they are doing, that to reverse that is not only hard but a complete life change.

                I think that personally I am still dealing with my beliefs. I have overcome most of my major ones, and am only triggered once in a while back to thoughts. Thoughts are what keep a person with a disorder uncured. How can one regulate or suppress their thoughts? I believe that people with disorders can be helped and certainly can control their actions, but are never cured. To me, curing is the elimination of the problem. However, the problem, the root of our actions, is always there, waiting.

                The fact that I don’t believe a cure is possible for eating disorders does not mean that the problem should not be addressed and helped. Our actions and beliefs can be changed and we can become healthy through that change. I think my point to this is to explain to loved ones of those with disorders not to be discouraged with relapses. They are caused by triggers and recurrences of thoughts. Getting treatment and continuing with treatment is the only way that person will be able to see that their beliefs are simply beliefs, not reality.