Breastfeeding: When the Reality Doesn’t Match Up

It’s easy to feel guilty when breastfeeding doesn’t turn out to be the idyllic experience you were led to believe it was.

During my first pregnancy I was “sold” the idea that breastfeeding was a wonderful, almost spiritual experience and, of course, it was the best start I could give my baby. I was eager to do it and my husband at the time was insistent about it. The reality turned out to be very different than I expected and no-one prepared me for the terrible guilt I felt when, after six weeks, I had to give up and settle for “second best”, the bottle. I was ill after the birth and thoroughly exhausted. The baby never seemed to sleep and because I was breastfeeding I couldn’t let anyone else take over at feeding times. I felt such a miserable failure and I’m sure it affected the way I bonded with this child. I’m also sure that if I’d been told the truth about breastfeeding and had better support from someone with experience things would have been very different.

When my second child came along I tried again. This time I was better prepared for the reality and knew what to expect. I breastfed this child for more than twelve months but even so, it wasn’t all a bed of roses. I think I made it through because I didn’t expect it to be.

The first problem I remember was that it took a while for the milk to really start flowing enough to satisfy the baby for longer than an hour or so. This is normal, and in fact it’s only by putting the baby to the breast often that the milk comes in properly. It’s the way our bodies are made. This early frequent sucking stimulates milk production. If you’re expecting this you can cope so long as you have someone around for the first two or three weeks to support you with all the other things you’re supposed to do around the house. What you really need to be doing at this time is resting when the baby sleeps, and making sure you get plenty of fluids and a healthy diet. Obviously, not all of us are lucky enough to have someone on hand to help like this. If it’s impossible for you to have this help then bottle feeding would be less stressful for both you and your baby. This is NOT something to feel guilty about. It’s a practical decision based on the reality of your circumstances.

Once the milk has established itself, you’ll notice your baby gradually takes more at each feed and sleeps longer between them. All babies are different so don’t expect them to all follow a rigid pattern with this. Resist the temptation of comparing your baby to other people’s and instead take pleasure in letting him develop in his own time. Follow his lead, relax and don’t worry.

My second big problem was sore nipples. Ouch! Again this is normal and of course can be very uncomfortable. Get your doctor to check for abscesses, but usually this is just a temporary problem until your nipples toughen up. Avoid putting creams on them – they won’t taste very nice to your baby and could harm him. I found the most soothing thing was to soak in a nice warm bath. I also found that they hurt when the baby first latched on to the nipple but once she began to suck it wasn’t so bad. I think the soreness lasted about a week, that’s all.

Even though it was always me who had to do the night feeds – as well as the day feeds! – There were a lot of advantages over bottle feeding. During the months that the baby needed night feeds I kept her cot in our bedroom, right next to the bed. I found that I would half wake naturally just as she was snuffling and waking for a feed and that even before she cried I could feel the milk coming into my breasts. This was a pleasant tingling sensation. I would simply reach across for her without getting out of bed and sit well propped by pillows to feed her. When she’d finished on one side, I’d quickly change her nappy, and she’d happily finish her feed from the other breast and be asleep again with the minimum of fuss and noise. No getting up to warm bottles while she fully woke up and cried loudly. Very civilised!

I was a stay-at-home mum at that time and I was able to go along at the baby’s pace and organise the housework etc around her needs. The pace was slow and relaxed and it was an experience I’m glad I had. It wasn’t always easy. I remember feeling very isolated during her first winter because we got snowed in and I saw few people. I began to crave adult conversation and was desperate to get out of the house sometimes. In the end, I persuaded another mum who I met at the local baby clinic (my only social venue!) to help me start a mother and baby group. The clinic was held in a community centre so we begged the use of a room for an hour and held a get together for mums with young babies every week after clinic. It was good to sit and chat over a cup of coffee and as our babies grew into toddlers the group became a playgroup with the help of a local government grant which we used to buy toys.

During those first weeks of breastfeeding I discovered the National Childbirth Trust who had a network of experienced breastfeeding mums around Britain. They put me in touch with someone who lived locally and I was able to ring her up for advice about even the most minor concerns. She got me through the bad times and kept me going for twelve months.

La Leche League is a similar organisation and for those living in the US there’s the National Women’s Health Information Center or call 1-800-994-9662) who have a good database of information and advice.

Enjoy your baby!