I Miss Her But She Doesn’t Miss Me

Cue the intro to Michael Jackson’s She’s Out of My Life. The girl you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with is gone, and it looks like she’s not coming back. Here you are pining for her and wishing she could still be with you again, but you know it’s a long shot. And then you hear through the grapevine that she’s out there having the time of her life while you still find yourself holding onto the memory of what you used to have.

Is there anything you can do to make this misery go away? Is it possible to get over this horrible feeling of knowing that the one you miss doesn’t even miss you at all?

Here are our tips:

Are you sure she really doesn’t miss you?

Let’s no jump to conclusions here. What makes you so sure that she doesn’t miss you at all? She might be good at showing it because we all tend to hide away our real feelings except to those who are really close to us. She might be showing signs that she does miss you, but you’re just not seeing them.

1. Does she still talk to you? Would she bother to stay in touch if she didn’t miss you, not even for a little bit? No! If your ex still talks to you, chances are she still enjoys your company. She may not miss you as her boyfriend, but if she talks to you, she seems like she at least wants to keep you as a friend.

2. Does she give hints that she’s still into you? Okay, so she still talks to you. That’s a sign that she just wants to be friends, right? Maybe. But what she talks about can give you hints about whether or not she wants you back. For example, she might talk about all the good times you had together – that could be a subtle hint that she wants those good times back. Does she still jokingly flirt with you? It could be a sign that she’s still attracted to you.

3. There’s more to missing someone than just saying “I miss you.” Just because she doesn’t say it, doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss you at all. In the modern dating scene, people have become so guarded about their feelings for fear that it will be seen as a weakness. She might think that saying “I miss you” is like saying “I was wrong for breaking up with you” and being wrong isn’t exactly something we like to admit. So if she still talks to you and hints at wanting to get back with you, but doesn’t say that she misses you, it could be a sign that she wants you to take that first step at reconciliation.

Once you have established that she really doesn’t miss you…

Well, that’s tough. You gave her the benefit of the doubt and you came to the stark realization that she doesn’t feel the same way you do. If that’s the case, then it’s time for you to start taking steps to get over her, move on, and come out stronger. Here’s what you can do:

1. Have an outlet. The realization that she doesn’t miss you can feel like being hit in the face with a ton of bricks. You want to scream or cry or punch something. So do it, at least in a constructive way. Give yourself time to grieve over a relationship that didn’t work out. Cry it out to Brian McKnight’s One Last Cry or Pablo Neruda’s Tonight I Write the Saddest Lines. Go to the gym and let off all your steam on the punching bags. Hit the treadmill like you’re running away from the ghost of your relationship. You can even scream into a pillow and get that sweet, sweet feeling of catharsis. In doing all of this, just remember that it’s okay to be sad and frustrated. Acknowledge those feelings and really feel them. And then you can start trying to move on.

2. Know exactly what you miss about her. This might seem counterproductive, but when you know why you miss her, you can address those feelings of longing so much easier. If you miss intimacy and company, you can convince yourself that it’s possible to find someone who will give you the same feeling of closeness. If you miss having someone around, enjoy the company of loved ones. And if you miss doing things with her, try doing the same activities alone and try to enjoy them for what they are – not just because you used to do them with her.

3. Stop checking her out on social media. No stalking allowed! Women are more likely to post about their lives on social media than men. And chances are, if she doesn’t miss you, she’ll be posting about how happy she is now that she’s single. You don’t want to see all of that because it will just hammer home the idea that she’s happy to be rid of you. So whatever you do, do not look at her profile. Unfollow her, block her, or just quit social media altogether. It might make people think you’re bitter, but it’s better than seeing something that might trigger you to go back to phase 1!

4. Return all her stuff or get rid of it. The purging you did on social media should also reflect real life. Avoid anything that would remind you of her when you come home. You home should be your safe space, and now that she’s gone, it should only have your stuff in it. Not “her” and not “ours” – yours! So if she still has some stuff lying around, get rid of it by returning it by post, donating it, or throwing it out. Rearrange your home to make it look like your crib and not like the one you used to share. Come home each day to YOUR home.

5. Optional: Give it one last shot. If you can’t shake the thought that maybe she’s just waiting for you to make the move, think long and hard about whether that’s the right thing to do. If you decide that you want to try and reconcile with her, then do it. It’s better to give it a shot and be rejected than to live the rest of your life thinking of the “what ifs.” Keep in mind that you should only do this if you think you have a fair shot at success. Otherwise, completely ignore this tip.

6. Remember why you broke up. When you start to miss her again, keep reminding yourself why it’s better for you to not be together. Remind yourself that she wanted different things, that it never would have worked out in the long run, that your relationship was unhealthy. No matter how often you think of the good times, keep going back to the reasons you’re better off single.

7. Find a new hobby. All those moments you spent together hanging out or texting can feel extra quiet now that she’s gone. But to keep yourself from missing her, you can replace those moments with other activities. Learn a craft, read a book, binge-watch on Netflix. Stamp out the silence of her absence by filling it with activities you’ll like.

8. Learn to be happy as a single man. If you miss being in a relationship, try to see the merits of being single for a while. Enjoy it instead of trying to jump into a new relationship for the sake of being in one. There are a ton of great things you can do while you’re single like focus on your career, spending more time with friends and family, or honing a craft. Relish all those moments when you’re completely living for yourself. Doing this also helps to give you a healthier mindset about relationships – the mindset that you are a complete person already, and that relationships aren’t there to make you feel whole.

9. Meet new people. We’re not telling to download every single dating app you can get your hands on. Instead, hang out with more people and get to know them. Since you’re single, you can mingle with anyone you want to. You’re not there to be on the prowl for your next girlfriend. Instead, you’re there to expand your network.

10. Look to the future, not the past. Lastly, months after you’ve started trying to get over the ex who doesn’t miss you, you might find yourself wanting to look back at your relationship. As much as you can, look back with a realistic view – that it never would have worked out and that being single has made you focus more on yourself. And when you’ve given yourself a couple of minutes to reminisce, turn your focus towards building the future you’ve always wanted.

No matter how much you miss her now, you know that one day you will get over her. It might take some time and a bit of regressing back into old habits, but you’ll get there. So good luck!

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